Michael Rosen Vs. Jim Dale is the eleventh installment of Moleman's Epic Rap Battles. It features Michael Rosen as seen in countless YouTube Poop videos battling Jim Dale as heard in the Dirty Potter "audiobooks", with a special appearance by George S. Irving, as portrayed in TomServo3's "Terrifying Tales from the Toaster" and other inspired videos.
Michael Rosen: Edit
A hip, hop, a hip–hop hippie
To the hip hip hop, and you don't stop
A rock it to the plum–plum boogie say up jumped
the boogie to the rhythm of the Michael Rosen Rap–rap–rap–rap!
When I was one, I had tons of fun
With my mom and dad, going all 'round murdering people with shotguns,
And now, I'm sixty–seven times more outrageous, so
Don't mess with me; that's really dangerous, y'know!
I was crazier than you when I was in my mother's womb;
I'll drop you like *KABOOM, KABOOM, KABOOM*!
I am THE FIERCEST STORYTELLER IN THE WORLD!
Your drivel is for stupid eleven–year–old girls.
I'm funnier, more popular, and sexier, too;
I love poopers, but can't say the same for you!
I'm making full use of my Big Book of Bad Things.
I bet your strategy against me is to be so boring,
Michael will get so fed up, he'll go slam his face against the wall
Before he can string you up by your balls!
I'd sooner lose to a two year old, faggot;
I shall beat you faster than an electronic rabbit!
I am the definition of a fantastic cool guy;
You're the definition of the ultimate fool guy,
And as for your readings, I prefer Stephen Fry,
So why don't you just KEEL OVER AND DIE!
Jim Dale: Edit
And, for some strange reason, I came suddenly into the class
To show how I in every way possible surpass
This smelly and very pathetic excuse for a narrator
Than which I am hundreds and hundreds of times greater!
I'm Jim Mother–Fucking, Penis–Sucking, Pube–Plucking Dale!
Attempting to beat me is EPIC FAIL.
Of dirty audiobooks, I'm the undisputed king.
PENIS! PENIS! DICK! PENIS! BLINGA–BLING–BLING!
I'll cover you in my feces, so foamy and brown;
Ejaculate into your fucking ear: TOUCHDOWN!
Stick my wrinkled–old–man boner in your ass, just like Neville's,
Until it gapes so wide, that out drops the Devil,
Who will join me in raping you until the hypertension
Explodes and ass–blasts you into another fucking dimension!
I'm about to murder you like Snape murders Dumbledore,
Cutting you into strips with my ginormous ninja sword.
Or, I could deposit a massive anus baby
In your face, smashing you until you're Pushing Daisies!
Fuck the Skyfoogle, I'm the true terrifying creature
Who will finish the job started by your teacher,
And make you suffocate from the smell of my asshole.
Keep your stupid nigger plums, I've got fucking pineapple!
And on your retarded, out–of–print bullshit,
I must say, I really didn't fucking like it!
Michael Rosen: Edit
That was one sloppy, cheesy verse coming from you.
Cut the recycled bullshit and try something new!
Anyway, it's time for the moment you dread
When Michael gets so fed up, he turns furiously red!
Yeah, that's right; I'm going out on a Jim Dale hunt;
Gonna stuff bombs up his horrible mouth–cunt!
I'm a Children's Laureate; that's really good,
But besides fools with computers made of wood,
Nobody at all wants to hear you! Your penis is tiny,
While my long cock and big butt will leave you going "BLIMEY!"
When I fuck you for three hours with a "fiddle riddle diddle";
I'm gonna burn you like a hamburger on a griddle!
Jim Dale: Edit
Fuck you so much, you stupid retard.
You know nothing 'bout my penis, so suck it long and hard!
My cock is the drill that will pierce the Heavens;
It's caused three times more death than September Eleventh!
He-he-he; that's right! I've got big, enormous purple nipples,
And testicles too enormous even for Drew Pickles!
This is your last warning: you better retreat
Before I start jerking off, going SKEET SKEET SKEET SKEET,
Poickoickoickoickoickoickoickoick, OH! And drown you in my cum,
Then cum again on your corpse, like I did to my mom!
Shove you face–first up J. K. Rowling's moldy, smelly cunt,
Which is certainly nothing like HAMBURGER RESTAURANTS!
When she, Voldemort and I gang–bang you like Harry,
You'll find our butt–potion particularly scary!
George S. Irving: Edit
(Talking:) Did somebody say "scary"?
(Rapping:) I'm the host with the most old sacks.
You two are stupid, gay faggot hacks!
Shook hands with both Scarecrows: Dr. Crane and Harold, no doubt;
If your name has an "L", time to get out!
Now, I'll stop ripping off existing lines,
And rip you new assholes with original lines:
I'm ten years older and wiser.
It's about to get hot; you're dealing with Heat Miser!
I've been performing since 1943;
That's a longer career than Christopher Lee's,
And just like him, I'm not going to retire!
I don't need Thomas and Alfred to throw you in the fire.
You're drunk, Michael; go tidy your room!
You too, Jim; flee before I make this one your tomb.
I'll tie you to a pole, taking you hostage,
Bring you to Samuel Blunt, and make Wonderful Sausage!
I've got cows aplenty, a Big Slithery Dee,
And dance moves rivaling Aaron Kelly's,
Plus swag as big as Martin the Cat.
I'll rip your cocks clean off; feed 'em to a sewer rat!
AAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaahhhh!!! I'll make you scream
Until you're pale as that ugly bitch from "The Dream".
I've got passion in my sacks, and ain't afraid to show it.
You both are dead; just too stupid to know it!
- First battle to have rappers "playing themselves", though obviously not really. In reality, it is the first battle to have no authentic voice recordings made for it besides Molemanninethousand's announcer lines.