Invader Zim vs. Cryptospridium is the fifteenth installment of Moleman's Epic Rap Battles and the fifteenth and penultimate episode of Season 1, though it was the thirteenth battle to be released, ahead of both Avatar Aang Vs. Ben Tennyson and L Lawliet Vs. L. Ron Hubbard. It features Zim of Invader Zim cult fame (with minor assistance with his robot GIR) and Cryptosporidium from Destroy All Humans rapping against one another in a contest of alien invaders. It was released December 4, 2013


Molemanninethousand as Zim and GIR

David Ohlsen as Cryptosporidium


Cryptosporidium Edit

Fasten your squeedlyspooch, lest I blast it out your gut;

They call me Crypto, but I ain't no super–mutt!

I'm a furious Furon, zapping this irksome Irken,

Whose rhymes are like his disguises – paper thin.

You barely pass for a schoolboy; I'm the goddamn President!

I'm the superior invader–infiltrator; don't question it!

It's literally funny, how you pose such little threat!

You're a defective reject who can't even get wet,

And when even simple rainfall is enough to make you squirm,

You have no chance to survive my meteor storm.

I'll verbally dissect you; with the full wise–crack gamut;

Forget Foodcourtia; you belong at Pizza Planet.

I harvest thousands of brains; you steal your classmates' spleens.

Call this land development, because the grey's destroying the green!

I'm Arkvoodle's chosen, and you'll soon regret fighting me

When I give your ass a probing of the jumbo variety


LIES, all LIES, you filthy, LYING hack!

You're a bigger LIAR than the guys from Mars Attacks! (GIR: Ack ack ack ack!)

Like radioactive pants, invader blood runs through my veins;

You're a drunken mooch who can't live up to his game's name,

But lives up to his name, spewing verbal diarrhea!

A clone's clone's clone with nonexistent genitalia!

My tech has madman style, with a hint of cyberpunk.

Yours is all derived from cliched B–movie junk!

Lay a finger on me, and I'll sic my lawn gnomes on you;

Send a pig back in time, and clog the tube that spawned you!

Path of the Furon? Try "Path to your DOOM"! (GIR: DOOM!)

I'll use your own Black Hole Gun to send you to the moose room.(GIR: Moosey fate!)

You're just as dumb as the beast in that dimension,

And Destroying All Humans isn't even your intention,

While extermination truly is my mission's ambition!

If you're named for parasites, they should've called you "Head Pigeons".


Dude, you sound like Pox if someone took out his brain

And replaced it with one made out of solid cocaine!

Though it's true that your goals are closer to genocidal,

While I treat humans more like cattle, contrary to my title,

The thing is: My havoc–wreaking skills are more than proficient,

While you suck utter monkey balls at your mission!

Hypocrite! What does YOUR body count amount to?

You couldn't carry out a slaughter even if Nick allowed you!

I'll thwart your "Cloning Bay of Pigs" attack like a space–Castro;

Blast your PAK clean off your back with my little friend Gastro.

I'm a living Pandemic, crushed Majestic, I'm sadistic!

You're a failure of eugenics, pathetic and beyond misfit!


YOU FOOL! Don't question my hardcore blackheartedness;

I called Dibs on my victory before we even started this,

Because I AM ZIM! I'm evil to the brim;

I do whatever I want, when I want and on a whim!

Like one of your Burrow Beasts, I'm audacious and voracious;

Your LIES don't discourage me, 'cause I'm downright tenacious.

Your nightmare has begun, and my plan is underway

To make this battle bloodier than GIR on a bad day!

I'll see your Psychokinesis that reads people's thoughts,

And raise you the voice of Tim Schafer's Psychonauts!

You may be a one–man army, but that doesn't deter me;

I've gone toe–to–toe with R. Lee Ermey! (GIR: And won, too!)

The gloves come off now; Nick can no longer stop me

From going outright homicidal like my name was Johnny,

Cutting all the crap and sending you straight to your tomb!

I'm serving up some DEATH, so enjoy your DOOM!!! (GIR: Yay, you're doomed!)

(Zim pulls out a decidedly human–made firearm and shoots Cryptosporidium–137 dead at point–blank range. The Furon then immediately reappears, fully alive and intact as Cryptosporidium–138.)


Don't be petty, now; you knew that wouldn't kill me.

The only difference now is that I'm packing Big Willy,

And I'm not talking about our fast–food mecha–mascot,

Though I've brought that along, too, to crush your retard robot,

Whose head is almost as empty as the claims in your lines!

I've seen more competent invasion tactics in Signs.

I plow through whole armies, fight giant robot–squids;

You can't even get rid of one single snooping kid!

You're a fraud and a joke, just like the Master.

The greatest enemy you ever battled was a hamster!

I'm painting you a picture of your own deconstruction;

Halting your antics faster than your series' production!


Oh, please; You've gone native, you're a filthy xenophile!

No wonder you'e hated even by your own bastard child.

I'm Psychopathic like ICP; Nick couldn't handle me,

And I don't give a flying poop taco that they cancelled me,

Because like Santa, I live on in people's minds and hearts,

As well as up in space, AND on DeviantArt!

And even now, a decade later, I'm still a Hot Topic!

Your legacy's like your Shrink Ray victims: microscopic.


(Usual ending announcement)

GIR: I love this show!


  • The second battle to feature extraterrestrials from settings where Earth exists and is visited by them (as opposed to non-Earth-dwellers from fantasy settings distinct from any version of our Earth-centric world), after Poison Ivy Vs. Audrey II. The third would be Captain Price Vs. Commander Shepard.
    • However, this is the only one of the mentioned where both teams are non-terrestrial
  • The ending of Avatar Aang Vs. Ben Tennyson shows a UFO, with the Announcer whispering "Oooohh, foreshadowing!" However, as that video ended up not being released until after this one, this became irrelevant.

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