Moleman's Epic Rap Battles #1 is the first installment of the Moleman's Epic Rap Battles series and the first installment of Season 1. It features Total Drama character Gwen, competing against acquaintance of Beavis and Butt–Head – turned – icon in her own right Daria. It was released May 9, 2013.
??? as Gwen
ZukaMikki as Daria
Dear diary, I'd like to write about today,
And how I sent this whiny hipster bitch packing straight away!
I'll make this battle quick, seal your face with a kick,
Like the psycho killer. Come at me, Misery Chick!
You're a smug, obnoxious Mary–Sue,
And I'd rather share my quarters with Courtney than you!
Moping and doping, that's how all your time is spent.
And unlike you, I at least kissed my Trent!
You come from MTV? Your reputation must be poor,
When you share your station with Jersey–Fucking–Shore!
So run home, Diarrhea, go make out with Jane,
Before I take this shovel to your spine and break you like Bane!
I've got to be direct, Gwen: you're about to get smoked.
Your whole life, your whole world is just a sick, sad joke.
You think I still care the slightest bit about Trent?
Get with the times, and while you're at it, get bent.
I'm a philosopher, you're a pathetic trash–talker.
Need to know why I'm brilliant? Just ask Doug Walker.
Your time's spent suffering, fighting, all over a bad check,
And now, I'm looking forward to standing on YOUR neck.
I'll crush you like Tommy Sherman, bury you alive,
Pour drain cleaner down your throat and pass it off as suicide.
I'll maul you like a koala, and make your eyes swell.
In short: I'm Daria. Go to Hell.
What, that's all you got? Bitch please, your flow SUCKS!
Oh, and by the way, your breath reeks of Upchuck.
And why's your face always so plain? Here, I'll give it a makeover…
When I tear it to shreds like a rabid, screaming gopher!
You make Noah look active, you antisocial loafer,
And any relevance you ever had is long–since over!
What that Tom guy ever saw in you is a mystery to me,
But soon, like Mr. DeMartino's class, YOu'Ll bE hIsTOrY!
I'm a nice person; you're cold, bitter and heinous.
You have no goals in your life, while I wanna be famous!
And on your life: think it sucks? Well, look what I have to go through!
"First World Problems" much, Daria? Girl, what the Hell is wrong with you?!
That's it, Shakespeare, leave the rhyming to me.
Your lines have so much shallowness, I mistook it for complexity.
And it's funny. After what you've been through, you should be dead.
I've seen safer behavior from Beavis and Butthead.
And you've nothing to show for it; no money, no fame,
So next season, just go straight to the Whatever–of–Shame.
You'll never be free from the sadistic games of Chris,
And you practically ruined your social life with one kiss.
While my love triangle was subtle and realistic,
You downright cheated, and let your "best friend" go ballistic.
You're just a slutty caricature; I invented cartoon drama.
So consider this loss your latest serving of karma.
Thus marks the first Moleman Rap Battle.
It is not known who played Gwen.
This, along with the other three of the first four MERBs, is called "Epic Rap Battles of History (Fanmade)" in-video.
This instrumental is the same beat used in Dragonsblood23's Xena VS Wonder Woman; this is a coincidence.