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Gruntilda Vs. Handsome Jack is the 23rd installment of Moleman's Epic Rap Battles. It features Borderlands antagonist Handsome Jack against Banjo Kazooie antagonist Gruntilda.


CastEdit

LyricsEdit

Handsome Jack:Edit

Handsome Jack here, and let me tell you how it goes:

I shoot my critics in the face; Badaboom, case closed.

Amped stings like a Bee in a C.C. combo;

No hag's gonna hurt the Hyperion honcho!

You've got a cliffside in the shape of your prune–face,

And a masochist hunchback stumped by a boulder.

I've got Jackmore and an all–seeing moon–base;

Razing bandit cities up from orbit with my mortars!

No safe Haven; out for blood on your trail.

Catch a train to Sanctuary, and I blow it off the rails!

Yo, Blake, heads up: better fetch my violin;

I'll be playing this squawker off, because the hero always wins!


Gruntilda:Edit

If you come up to my lair today,

A big Nasty Surprise is surely headed your way;

It's No Place for a Hero, nor a douchey Skag–licker.

I'm a legendary giant; badass heavy–hitter!

Lifetime prime rhymer, Rare rapper; tricky–dicky.

Boss with a Boom Box; down for getting Jiggy–wiggy!

I've got curses by the Vault–full to wreck your regime;

Blow your 'bots to Nuts and Bolts and make Wilhelm Scream. (Aaaaaah!)

Flush you down Loggo, grind your guts inside of Clanker;

I'm chock–full of Moxxi, from my warts to my cankers!

You're in Cloud Cuckooland to think you'll come out on top;

I'd sooner count my eggs for solving Stop 'n' Swop!

Now here's a fun little quiz; put your smarts to the test:

Who's the witty, witchy, wicked wench you can't put to rest?

That's me, Grunty: 'top my tragedy tower,

Hailing fire from the peak upon this two–faced little coward!


Handsome Jack:Edit

You don't know Jack; better quit it with the gibbering:

I'll have my girl Sheriff lynch your ass for verbal littering!

I get the Sirens blaring with my Presence in a match;

You're as full of hot air as that pathetic Mr. Patch!

Think your googly–eyed goons are gonna get to this Invader?

Watch me crack your stupid cactus; mighty like a Jinjonator.

You'll crash and burn harder than Professor Nakayama;

When you get to Hell, tell I said "hi" to grandmama.

Own a Pandora's Box worth of gunrunning gear;

Mutilate you like our preservation slagging "volunteers".

Shake the floor's foundations; think construction engineers.

Spitting out more gems than Butt Stallion's rear!

I'm a god among men, and I Butcher with impunity,

Spoon–scooping eyes out at every Opportunity;

A sorcerer, a titan! Come and get me, giant witch;

Moral of the story is, you're nothing but a total Bitch.

  • Gunshot*


Gruntilda:Edit

…How unbefitting! I've lost my precious skin,

And yet the crone is still kicking; guess I got a Second Wind.

Even prone to keeping at it from a shallow grave limbo;

Now I'll see your fanny flattened like a house of grey Jinjos!

It's on like Donkey Kong; I'm Overpowered to the limit.

You're an egotist Goliath with the manhood of a midget!

Call me Grunty the Invincible; no way you can beat me,

And I'll wipe your saved game if you endeavor to cheat me!


Handsome Jack:Edit

I'm not even gonna question how the hell you're still alive;

It won't make a note of difference when my Warrior arrives!

My majestic voice ECHOes from the Highlands to the Dust,

With trespassers facing death by a Thousand Cuts.

I boast bazillions of boomsticks; your broomstick's screwed.

Serving prime rib rhymes; yours are stale fast food.

Quit your Mumbo Jumbo–spewing, 'cause for all your Claptrap,

You're outgunned by a bird in a bear's backpack!


Gruntilda:Edit

That's a dingy pot of disses you're unloading there, mister;

Should've studied on my secrets with my goody–goody sister!

I weld swell spells with all the power of a factory,

Silencing a sucker like my family's anastrophe!

You're headed for catastrophe; imperiled like a saucer,

When I use you as a battery like your beloved daughter:

Flip a switch, and your handsome looks are altogether slaughtered.

Best Game Over ever; Grunty's looking rather hotter!

Mumbo Jumbo:Edit

Eekum Bokum, New-U is very good!

Meet with Mumbo at my magic–making mountain, Grunty should.

Trivia:Edit

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