Handsome Jack here, and let me tell you how it goes:
I shoot my critics in the face; Badaboom, case closed.
Amped stings like a Bee in a C.C. combo;
No hag's gonna hurt the Hyperion honcho!
You've got a cliffside in the shape of your prune–face,
And a masochist hunchback stumped by a boulder.
I've got Jackmore and an all–seeing moon–base;
Razing bandit cities up from orbit with my mortars!
No safe Haven; out for blood on your trail.
Catch a train to Sanctuary, and I blow it off the rails!
Yo, Blake, heads up: better fetch my violin;
I'll be playing this squawker off, because the hero always wins!
If you come up to my lair today,
A big Nasty Surprise is surely headed your way;
It's No Place for a Hero, nor a douchey Skag–licker.
I'm a legendary giant; badass heavy–hitter!
Lifetime prime rhymer, Rare rapper; tricky–dicky.
Boss with a Boom Box; down for getting Jiggy–wiggy!
I've got curses by the Vault–full to wreck your regime;
Blow your 'bots to Nuts and Bolts and make Wilhelm Scream. (Aaaaaah!)
Flush you down Loggo, grind your guts inside of Clanker;
I'm chock–full of Moxxi, from my warts to my cankers!
You're in Cloud Cuckooland to think you'll come out on top;
I'd sooner count my eggs for solving Stop 'n' Swop!
Now here's a fun little quiz; put your smarts to the test:
Who's the witty, witchy, wicked wench you can't put to rest?
That's me, Grunty: 'top my tragedy tower,
Hailing fire from the peak upon this two–faced little coward!
You don't know Jack; better quit it with the gibbering:
I'll have my girl Sheriff lynch your ass for verbal littering!
I get the Sirens blaring with my Presence in a match;
You're as full of hot air as that pathetic Mr. Patch!
Think your googly–eyed goons are gonna get to this Invader?
Watch me crack your stupid cactus; mighty like a Jinjonator.
You'll crash and burn harder than Professor Nakayama;
When you get to Hell, tell I said "hi" to grandmama.
Own a Pandora's Box worth of gunrunning gear;
Mutilate you like our preservation slagging "volunteers".
Shake the floor's foundations; think construction engineers.
Spitting out more gems than Butt Stallion's rear!
I'm a god among men, and I Butcher with impunity,
Spoon–scooping eyes out at every Opportunity;
A sorcerer, a titan! Come and get me, giant witch;
Moral of the story is, you're nothing but a total Bitch.
…How unbefitting! I've lost my precious skin,
And yet the crone is still kicking; guess I got a Second Wind.
Even prone to keeping at it from a shallow grave limbo;
Now I'll see your fanny flattened like a house of grey Jinjos!
It's on like Donkey Kong; I'm Overpowered to the limit.
You're an egotist Goliath with the manhood of a midget!
Call me Grunty the Invincible; no way you can beat me,
And I'll wipe your saved game if you endeavor to cheat me!
I'm not even gonna question how the hell you're still alive;
It won't make a note of difference when my Warrior arrives!
My majestic voice ECHOes from the Highlands to the Dust,
With trespassers facing death by a Thousand Cuts.
I boast bazillions of boomsticks; your broomstick's screwed.
Serving prime rib rhymes; yours are stale fast food.
Quit your Mumbo Jumbo–spewing, 'cause for all your Claptrap,
You're outgunned by a bird in a bear's backpack!
That's a dingy pot of disses you're unloading there, mister;
Should've studied on my secrets with my goody–goody sister!
I weld swell spells with all the power of a factory,
Silencing a sucker like my family's anastrophe!
You're headed for catastrophe; imperiled like a saucer,
When I use you as a battery like your beloved daughter:
Flip a switch, and your handsome looks are altogether slaughtered.
Best Game Over ever; Grunty's looking rather hotter!
Eekum Bokum, New-U is very good!
Meet with Mumbo at my magic–making mountain, Grunty should.