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Captain Qwark vs Hercule Satan is the 7th battle of Moleman's Epic Rap Battles. It features Ratchet and Clank character Captain Qwark battling Dragon Ball Z character Hercule Satan on the premise of who is closer to being a legitimate hero.

CastEdit

Molemanninethousand as Hercule Satan and Announcer

Paul Bergen as Captain Qwark

Lyrics: Edit

Captain Qwark: Edit

I'm a part–time scoundrel, part–time president, part–time superhero,

Here to throw a Skrunchy monkey wrench in your galaxy–sized ego.

This match should be re–labelled as an "Epic Rap Slaughter".

Strongest man in the world? Yeah, right! You're outmatched by your own daughter.

You can take all of your boasting and shove it up your hairy arsenal.

I'm only somewhat of a fraud, but your "feats" are entirely farcical!

The only real fight you'll ever win was in Fusion Reborn.

A movie star? The only films you're worthy of working in are porn.

You deceive the world into worshipping you… and your name is Satan...

...Do I even need to explain? The implications are blatant.

Your situation is precarious; my means of beating you are various,

While you couldn't beat me with the help of Dr. Nefarious!

I've got tons of massive guns, and not one of them's on "stun".

They aren't on "kill", either: I've set these things to "Rip You a New One"!

Not to mention my nifty Razor Claws and badass–looking lantern jaw.

Let me just put it this way: Hercule, you're weaker than Yamcha!

Hercule Satan: Edit

Listen here, "Steve": I'll mess you up worse than any Crotchitizer.

Even when Earth is destroyed, I am a full–time survivor!

Made sure Cell was sent to Hell, tamed the monster Majin Buu.

…Well, at least I did all that from a certain point of view.

I'm resourceful; know when to fold 'em. You don't play with a full deck.

I have a good heart; you work with heartless monsters like Drek!

"Somewhat" of a fraud? You're less heroic than Macbeth,

And that's why I'm 'bout to make you walk your own "Path of Death".

You've proven yourself weak and wicked time and time again;

I've seen more honorable space–adventuring from Zapp Brannigan!

Question my name if you want, but don't forget this little item:

You're named after a particle that's smaller than an atom!

The whole galaxy knows you're a Qwark–tactic disgrace.

I'm still remembered as the pinnacle of the whole human race.

My legacy is intact, but as for yours, you've utterly soiled it!

You're all washed up! You oughta leave; just take the nearest toilet!

Captain Qwark: Edit

Listen here, and listen good, you deadweight, Deadmeat dolt:

Unlike a certain android, I wouldn't throw this for 6,000,000,000 bolts!

Yes, I've done some stupid shit before, but now, I'm Ratchet's ally.

Even now, you waste time gloating, when you could be learning to fly!

Yeah, that's the way your Dragon World works, you simpleton:

You could make yourself more powerful, if you only had the discipline!

You're alone in your weakness… alone… alone… alone!

You like tournament fighting? Well then, I'll sign you up for DreadZone!

I'll shuttle you to Oozla and leave you there in the swamp, sinking.

On your even trying to fight me: what the Videl were you thinking?

Oh, and by the way: if you try to call for help from that bitch,

I'll put my foot down on her face and crush her like Spopovich!

Hercule Satan: Edit

In a ridiculous world, I'm a realistic fighting man;

I may seem weak in context, but I'm really on par with Jackie Chan!

I can see past all of your tricks. You like to stretch your own dick!

You're a hick, thick, dumb–as–a–brick ripoff of the Tick!

You pedal hygiene devices that make people sick!

I've got the Eyes of the Lion, and a Dynamite Kick,

Which I'm about ready to Launch right into your Dragon Testicles.

This will be your biggest shaming since the Protopet debacle!

Go ahead: just you try to hurt my little girl, you twat;

We'll see what her freaky boyfriend has to say about that.

I'm the lovable, hilarious and helpful King of Dreamers.

You're nothing but a damned, dirty, coward, douchebag schemer!

Keep your advice to yourself, because you don't know Jak.

I don't need those weirdos' magic to fly; I've got my trusty jetpack!

Let me close with the wisdom of another, much smarter "Copernicus":

Things revolve around the sun, not you; though, clearly, you were oblivious!

Trivia: Edit

  • This is Molemanninethousand's least-favorite battle in the series due to its reliance on trivial, less-than-prominent fictional facts to make its "points".

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